Fear and Loathing in MAU | Fix That Funnel Finale
Fear and Loathing in MAU
Las Vegas: the desert's glittering illusion. It’s a city that pretends to be everything all at once—and somehow, I love it for that. Sure, I’ve built my reputation in the serious world of app growth, working with some of the sharpest minds in tech. But I’m not above a little whimsy. Especially not when there’s a roller coaster involved.
I came to MAU not just to network, speak, and evangelize the power of web-based payments—but to ride the Big Apple Coaster. A 203-foot drop. A 180-degree twist. It wasn’t just a thrill; it became a symbol of the dream. All I needed was $25.65 and a little time off from the floor. But Vegas had other plans.
Cue the hustle. After a rough night and a near-empty wallet, I devised a plan: I’d give out Paddle tokens—earned by correctly answering app trivia—and drive traffic to our booth. If I could get 100 people there, Paddle would cover my coaster ticket.
So I hit the floor, mic in hand, shouting over the din of booth chatter and espresso machines. I met builders, marketers, product folks—all brilliant, all busy. I worried people were pocketing tokens just for the swag. I worried about the impact we were having. I worried I might not ride the Big Apple Coaster.
We tried everything. We crafted DIY signage. We gave away Starbucks gift cards. I became a human claw machine, a billboard, a trivia czar. We got to 53 tokens—just over halfway. And then it was over. The crowd thinned. The swag was gone. The dream of riding that coaster started to fade with the desert sun.
So I wandered. Past Eiffel Towers. Palaces. Venetian Dreamscapes. Past dreams of checkout optimization and external linking. Vegas had consumed my mission and spit me back out—wiser, a little more sunburnt, and still coaster-less.
But here’s the thing. Maybe the ride wasn’t the point. Maybe it was about the ridiculous, chaotic, kind-of-beautiful journey of trying. About meeting people who genuinely care about building better apps.
In the end, I didn’t technically reach the goal. But my struggle paid off and I eventually got my coaster ride.
00:00:00:15 - 00:00:25:23
Steve
Las Vegas, a dirty oasis in the desert where the blinding white sun beats down on the already bright lights of the strip. Despite the reputation as the city of sin, it's a childish city with castles. Someone's been biting the phone themed restaurants. Oh, and even roller coasters. If you're familiar with my brilliant work in the app road space, working with some of the greatest minds in the world, you may think, Steve, you're so above the whimsy of Las Vegas.
00:00:26:01 - 00:00:51:14
Steve
But that's just not true. I love this city, and I especially love the roller coasters. But it's not all fun and games. I'm here for a conference with the biggest names and apps scattered to share ideas. Learn from the best and showcase their beautiful products with apps in the US app store now open to accepting external payments. I have a huge opportunity to evangelize the masses, but the potential growth that lies before them.
00:00:51:16 - 00:01:13:04
Steve
So I prepare and I prepared. And with my extensive research, I came across something that changed everything. I 180 degree hard line twist a dive maneuver with 203ft drop. The Big Apple Coaster was the real deal and I needed to ride it. All I had to do was make it back from MSU, with the 2565 required for admission.
00:01:13:06 - 00:01:17:18
Steve
Simple enough right?
00:01:17:20 - 00:01:34:07
Music
Let's meet eight.
00:01:34:09 - 00:01:54:08
Steve
So, rough night last night. But every time I look out over these mountains, I. I see a little bit of hope. I may have lost everything. Everything except for these paddle tokens. The idea behind the tokens is simple. I'll play app trivia with my attendees and three answers correctly lands them a token and a trip for a free spin over at the paddle booth.
00:01:54:10 - 00:02:08:06
Steve
But I needed cold, hard cash to get on this roller coaster. There was only one man who could pull me out of the depths of despair. I just had to make him an offer he couldn't refuse. I have no money. I lost all my money gambling. So if I get 100 people here.
00:02:08:07 - 00:02:10:20
Steve
Will paddle, pay for a roller coaster ride for me.
00:02:10:23 - 00:02:19:15
Steve
That's a great pitch. It's done. Thanks, Julian. But the deal sealed with the handshake. It was time to get doing what I do best. Yelling into a microphone.
00:02:19:17 - 00:02:21:05
Steve
What's your name and what company you work at?
00:02:21:06 - 00:02:26:16
Steve
So I'm David, and I work that reward learning mobile app that rewards people for walking.
00:02:26:16 - 00:02:29:23
Steve
Which photography and social media app features a ghost for a mascot?
00:02:30:02 - 00:02:31:12
Steve
Snap. Yes.
00:02:31:12 - 00:02:37:06
Steve
Snapchat. Which company's mobile apps include fresco, Lightroom, and Acrobat Reader?
00:02:37:08 - 00:02:38:05
Steve
Adobe.
00:02:38:07 - 00:03:02:04
Steve
Which dating app markets itself as designed to be deleted hence. Yes, sir. But we need a lot more. And everyone here is really, really, really busy. So we only have 14 tokens. Ben's 3D printer is acting on the Fritz, and I'm praying that no one is just playing trivia, pocketing the tokens, and then taking the tokens back to their hotel room.
00:03:02:05 - 00:03:07:00
Steve
Sir, are you aware that UberEats was purchased Postmates in 2018?
00:03:07:02 - 00:03:10:08
Steve
Lending, vending? You know he's not getting.
00:03:10:08 - 00:03:11:20
Steve
Anything from these guys.
00:03:11:22 - 00:03:12:20
Steve
Pokémon Go.
00:03:12:22 - 00:03:18:17
Steve
Pokemon Go's. Correct. Netflix. Netflix is correct. Audible. Yes, sir. AD space is correct.
00:03:18:18 - 00:03:42:23
Steve
As the sun sets over the Mojave and day one came to a close, I pondered. So the people here know all the benefits that come with external linking on the App Store, but they optimizing their web checkout with localized pricing and engaging onboarding. How many souvenir photos to provide when the ride's over? All these thoughts floated over the still desert air, and only I could make these silly dreams a reality on day two.
00:03:43:01 - 00:03:51:21
Steve
Day two of Matthew. And it's a scorcher. Behind me stands the New York, New York, one of the coolest rollercoasters I've ever seen.
00:03:51:23 - 00:03:53:04
Steve
And I have a lot.
00:03:53:04 - 00:04:02:00
Steve
Of tokens to give out if I want to get on that thing. If we're going to sell 100 tokens, we need to make some signage. We got some poster board and we are going to do some arts and crafts.
00:04:02:01 - 00:04:06:03
Steve
Despite looking like a walking billboard, the Kick Me sign on my back was work.
00:04:06:05 - 00:04:13:23
Steve
Apps using web based payments in the U.S. are still required to pay Apple 30% commission for false is correct.
00:04:14:00 - 00:04:32:02
Steve
We gave out tokens and more tokens and more tokens and more tokens. As I sat in the human claw machine, I imagined it as a test drive, a simulation before the real thing. Like how the astronauts ride a centrifuge before their journey into orbit. But then tragedy.
00:04:32:03 - 00:04:40:10
Steve
We have run out of swag completely, but we decided to pivot to giving out Starbucks gift cards for $5. Who doesn't love $5.
00:04:40:12 - 00:05:04:16
Steve
Swag or not? I noticed the crowd starting to thin in my dreams of speed and steel. We're starting to fade. 53 tokens. Not even close. The dream was dead. And where does someone in Las Vegas go when their dreams die? Well, there's nothing to do but join the conga line of Las Vegas zombies. My favorite app. Wandering from Paris to Italy, New York to LA.
00:05:04:16 - 00:05:26:04
Steve
Like a lonely vagabond. Just when you think you see the light at the end of the tunnel. You squint to see another slot machine housing another lonely patron with dreams of winning it big in their head. Dreams that outshine the Mojave sun. But until I get the privilege of having those naive dreams. I'll wander this wasteland. Or no authentic New York deli sandwich or Parisian crepe.
00:05:26:06 - 00:05:42:15
Steve
No ruling against the App Store could give me the thrill of a 180 degree hard line twist. Cool. It's almost as good as the real thing. It is Vegas, after all. And maybe my luck just ran out.
00:05:42:16 - 00:06:07:13
Steve
When I was young, left my home and all the way to Vegas. I met a lot of great people at MAU. It's like a roller coaster itself. Guitar. And you can't have the big drop without the anticipation. Sing without the nerves, without selling your soul in the desert and realizing that paddle tokens from our booth also get you on a roller coaster.
00:06:07:15 - 00:06:15:10
Steve
Maybe it's not about the dream, but the journey to get there. I'm Steve seriously signing. I don't put.
00:06:15:10 - 00:06:40:16
Music
My name on the 12 Lions and the Lions out in front of me long enough. Standing ovation from the faithful me when I start to sing my song. When I turn them on and plays.
